Grief – The Most Misunderstood Normal Process of Life

Dr. Elaine Dilbeck LPC CTSS CFTP CPCS

Just as we do with trauma, we have an overwhelming need to make sense of something we can’t make sense of. In the scheme of life, we know there is a time to be born and a time to die. We view birth as a grand event, saying that a new life is a new beginning. Parents see the birth of their baby as a new beginning of their life together. That little person that they have created together, no explanation needed. When it comes to someone passing away, we have this overwhelming need to explain to the family “why” God took their loved one. We say things like “at least they are not suffering anymore”, “God needed another angel in his choir”, “God needed another flower in His bouquet”, I have heard some of the most ridiculous things. The only thought that is going through that person’s mind at the time, “I need them more than God does”. They already to some degree feel angry at God, no matter the situation. Why do we feel the need to make the situation worse? Most of these remarks are coming out of the mouths of Christian people. Are we so uncomfortable with death and the process of grief that need to explain it away?

My brother once said to me when were young – “You know sis, the Bible says that we were to mourn a birth and rejoice at a death”. I did not understand truly what he meant until later in life. He explained in this way, that when we bring life into the world, we are bringing them into a world full of hurt, pain, and ugliness, but when we die we are going to be with the God who made us, to be in peace. He was right, but it still does not stop the pain of that person missing in our life. He was 17 and we lost him not long after that talk on my grandmother’s front porch, with that being said.

Whoever came up with the saying that time heals all wounds, never understood the concept of grief. Time eases the pain but never takes it away. With each passing day, the pain eases, but there always those moments when you feel you have stepped into an alternate reality. That pain becomes so overwhelming for just a few moments.

Each loss is different, each relationship is different, we cannot explain away or pretend to know the mind of God when it comes to those losses. Loss is not just death, it can be the loss of anything such as a job, marriage, home, pet, etc. Each loss is significant to that person. We cannot expect someone to just “get over” a loss. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. We should never tell someone how or how long to grieve. We should let them be angry at God for just a little while if they need to be. If we do not allow the natural process of grief to take place, we are not validating or allowing the natural process of emotions to take place. It is the same way we do with trauma, we become afraid of our emotions. Even afraid of the emotions that others express.

So, why are we so afraid of our emotions? What is it about our emotions that we need to explain them away or to just stuff them down? As a trauma therapist, I work with almost as many people who struggle with grief as those who struggle with trauma. I often hear; I don’t understand why I just can’t move on, if it were only that easy. The only thing that someone needs to hear when they are grieving is that you are so sorry for their loss, that you are praying for them, that you are there when they are ready. DO NOT ever ask someone what they need or what can you do for them; they don’t know what they need themselves-how can they tell you. Don’t be afraid of someone showing their grief, don’t be afraid of the silence. You never know when that smile, hug, holding someone’s hand, just being present will be just what they need.

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May God Bless you.

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